Green Light

Last night, I was approaching a downtown intersection, and the light turned green.  And so did the next one.  And so did the next one.  You know when you hit that string of green lights, and you can look down the street and watch the domino effect as if it's two bathroom mirrors facing each other?

I'm starting to see green lights all over my life.  I'm developing real friendships; I'm in love with my job; I'm learning to enjoy (and not endure) the weather.  It wasn't too long ago that Alaska and I were ending our honeymoon, but I think we are starting to accept each other for who we are now. Even the moose have stopped hiding from me and instead guard my car in the morning to ensure I don't get to work on time.

I know I should feel grateful, but good fortunate tends to make me feel anxious. I'm always afraid my luck is about to run out... like I've had too many blessings for someone of my average goodness, and pretty soon a higher being is bound to realize that I've eaten more than my share of karmic cookies and cut me off for life.

I've never been one to believe that things "happen for a reason," but one thing that has always challenged my skepticism is the friends I meet.  Since coming to Alaska, I feel ridiculously fortunate to have found every single person I've met outside of the Public Defender Agency.  Each friendship has been one I've stumbled upon by accident, and each one has added depth and comfort to my Alaskan life.

A year ago, when I imagined the life I wanted, it certainly wasn't this one.  I remember last March pretty clearly ... believing the innumerable hours of volunteer work I'd invested in the San Diego Public Defender over the last three years would pay off soon, believing I would stay in my Hillcrest apartment with my dear roommate and a million bottles of wine, believing that fighting hard enough and applying to enough jobs would keep me by a sunny SoCal beach forever, and trying frantically to believe that love would eventually conquer all.

I never wanted to cut my losses in the professional network I'd sacrificed so much of my free time in law school creating.  I never wanted to leave the women who became my family through the nightmare we called law school. I never wanted to live alone or buy a puffy down coat or extricate myself from my love for Daniel.

But now that I've done those things, this amazing life I never knew to wish for has found me.  I love my job and my apartment and the snow and the independence more than I ever knew I could.  I fell down the snowy rabbit hole into this wonderland I never knew to search for.

I hope I am not jinxing myself when I entertain the idea that I might not ever run out of good luck.  Maybe I do deserve the amazingly beautiful people who come into my life. Maybe doom is not impending.  Maybe even more happy things are on their way and I just need to hold still and let them catch me.

For once, I am just going to enjoy the green lights.